If for some reason I ever decide to become a cabaret drag queen (and you never know, life is a long and winding road) I wish to reserve the following name:

Rainbow Peppercorns

I want to be there for two events in Squid's life:

the day that all his hopes and dreams come true and his inner genius is realized.

and the day his mustache meets his beard.

1: People with obnoxious bumper stickers (especially political ones) rarely manage to stick them on straight. So you feel so strongly about abortion that you had to slap that sticker on your car as fast as you could?

2: A curious cat isn't always cute, often it is annoying.

3: Cotton candy Dum-Dums taste surprisingly like cotton candy. I can't decide if that is a good thing yet.

When people meet me, they generally notice 5 things:

1. This guy is really loud
2. This guy drinks a lot
3. This guy gets even louder when he is drinking
4. This guy is kind of an asshole
5. This guy is pretty fucking funny 

Well the first four are definite character traits of mine; it is the fifth that makes me feel qualified to write this rant.

Now, mine isn’t a physical form of comedy, it’s grounded in irony and rye observations. I am also pretty sarcastic, but I don’t really consider that having as much to do with being funny as being an asshole. 

My point is I wasn’t always funny. I had to work at it. There are a lot of theories on why some people become funny and some people don’t: childhood trauma, a need to fit in, or compensation for some shortcoming. I don’t really care what my reasons are. All I know was at one time I was a kid who wasn’t particularly funny.

I am sure that I was amusing. Babies and young children often are. But that style of humor is based more on goofy antics, pratfalls and outrageous behavior (people are laughing at you, not with you). But that gets old. If you try to be funny like that forever, you just end up being Robin Williams. And let’s face it, he’s really not that funny, he just moves too fast for most people to notice.

No, real humor is cultivated. I’m not saying that it is learned in the same sense as a skilled trade. It is more organic, like an art form. When someone learns to play a musical instrument, there is no straight line to being considered talented, nor is there any guarantee that it will ever happen.

The reason I think most people never really think about this is because a sense of humor is a facet of someone’s personality. It’s a part of one’s normal development. But not all of us develop it.

We all know funny people, and we all know unfunny people. We also all know the worst kind of person, the kind that thinks he is funny but isn’t. These people are insufferable, especially to the truly funny. They will try anything for a laugh, and unfortunately they occasionally succeed, which only encourages them. What the last two kinds of people don’t realize is also one of the hardest things about being funny. That thing is: funny people don’t say everything (or the first thing) that pops into their head. There is a process where the thought is composed, evaluated and either said or discarded. And this has to happen fast. The key is in knowing what to discard. Like a good musician who knows exactly what notes to play, it’s not what you say that makes you funny as much as what you don’t say.

Alright, I know that pretty much none of what you have just read is funny. And I am sorry.

The reason I typed all that is because the rest of this rant is going to make me come off as a comedy snob. And I am. I am an extreme snob when it comes to comedy. However, like someone who has studied art, wine, architecture, or any other subjective pursuit, I feel that I am more qualified than most people to decide what is funny. Sorry, but that is just the way it is.

So, get ready to accept my opinions. And here is one:

Larry the Cable Guy is a lazy, evil, lazy comedian.

We all know that Larry is a fraud, and that will be dealt with further on, but for now let’s take his act at face value. Larry is from a long tradition of getting up on stage and making fun of who they are (or stereotypically are).

Some other types of comics that attempt the same shitty comedy:

• Women who bitch about PMS, their ex, and clothes. Molly Shannon lampoons this style perfectly with her Jeannie Darcy character. So perfectly that some people don’t get the joke. Jeannie Darcy , to illustrate this, here is a clip from Jenny Jones’ stand up past: Jenny Jones Stand Up
• Fat people whose whole act is based on the fact that they are fat. I get it, you are fat. I’m looking at you Louie Anderson. If it wouldn’t be funny for me to talk about being fat for 30 minutes, why is it funny for a fat guy?
• Black comics that play up the fact that growing up in the ghetto is crazy, and make observations that black people are like this and white people are like that. (there is now a disturbing number of other ethnicities jumping on this bandwagon)

Now, I am not saying all female, fat or ethnic comics do this and/or are shitty. Eddie Murphy’s riffs on growing up poor were some the funniest shit I ever heard. Damon and Marlon Wayans even both had some good shit. I don’t even have to mention the greats, so I won’t.

I think my point is, most gender/race/orientation/special needs comedy can appear funny because it can be shocking to hear. But writing something that is shocking isn’t the same as writing something that is good (for a good example of a writer that has distracted people from his shittyness with ‘shocking content’, I refer you to Chuck Palahniuk).

And are we really all that shocked that white people and black people talk differently, that ex-husbands/wives are jerks, and that fat people have a hard time getting around? Unless you are making a truly interesting observation, it is just lazy writing. As a comedy snob, the easy laugh is like eating Hamburger Helper, which is somehow worse than not eating at all.

Of course, the defense that fans of this shitty comedy will use is that I just don’t get it, because I can’t relate. I don’t know what it’s like to be a woman, or a minority, or fat (although I have been chubby).

Which is why I am going to skewer Larry. I am white, male, and I got plenty of white trash in my background. So here goes.

What the fuck is funny about simply being white trash? Is it funny to drive a truck? Is it funny to cut the sleeves off your shirt? Is it funny to be illiterate? Is it funny to be an ignoramus? Is it funny to have a mullet or a mustache?

The answer to all those questions is no, although it is funny to see a mullet.

Dave Attell is a hilarious comic. He makes observations, sets up jokes, and often throws an ironic twist in at the end. What he doesn’t do is say “I am bald, and girls don’t fuck bald guys, and I don’t get fucked, because I am bald”.

Larry’s whole shtick is that it is funny enough to just be white trash, and if he can get a real joke in there, well that is a bonus.

Watch this clip (I am warning you, it isn’t funny)

Larry Not Being Funny

There is almost the beginning of what could be a decent bit there. There was some potential in the premise of a guy claiming to need to win the lottery instead of wanting to win the lottery, but he immediately abandons it to do a boob and beer joke. Why did he do that? Because he’s lazy, and it’s easier to get a boob joke laugh with a white trash accent than it is to take the audience on a higher concept trip.

Fuck this guy.

Another example of laziness: “Get R Done”

A true sign of laziness is a catch phrase. Basically, he has found a way to tell the exact same joke over and over again. And the whole basis behind that joke is that he is ignorant.

Now about the redneck thing being an act. I can understand that it is a character, and comedians do characters. There have been some pretty great ones. But to make it the cornerstone of your act, that just sucks. Even Bobcat Goldthwait gave up the screechy voice thing.

If you need proof that it is an act, then behold:

Early Larry

Now, he is sporting a pretty sweet curly mullet, but he isn’t nearly as trashy as he is now. And it does kind of stick in my craw. Watching a retard make jokes about being retarded probably wouldn’t be that funny (at least not after the first few minutes), but watching a person pretend to be retarded and making the same jokes is just downright wrong.

Now, I have heard from multiple sources that Larry is actually a really nice and sweet guy. And he should be, he has made a lot of money by not being funny. The thing is, I know a lot of nice people who aren’t funny. They don’t all deserve standup careers. I have also heard he is one of the hardest working comics out there. I don’t want to hear the hardest working violin player in the world, I want to hear someone who is talented.

There are a lot of clever comics out there. Dave Attell, Dave Cross, Patton Oswalt, Louis Black, Louis C.K. (who’s half Mexican, but doesn’t play it up), Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, Maria Bamford, Laura Kightlinger, Andy Kindler are but a few that I could name off the top of my head.

But we live in a country that adores Wal-Mart, Olive Garden, Young Country and Danielle Steele. So I guess it shouldn’t be too surprising that Larry the Cable Guy is the top grossing comic out there. So, if you find yourself laughing at Larry, please ask yourself why?

Oh yeah, and two other shitty, lazy comics are Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia.

 

 

I know I wrote a super-miny-blog about Larry the other day, but let me elaborate:

* Not much of this is funny, but that is because I am serious about this subject

When people meet me, they generally notice 5 things:

1. This guy is really loud
2. This guy drinks a lot
3. This guy gets even louder when he is drinking
4. This guy is kind of an asshole
5. This guy is pretty fucking funny 

Well the first four are definite character traits of mine; it is the fifth that makes me feel qualified to write this rant.

Now, mine isn’t a physical form of comedy, it’s grounded in irony and rye observations. I am also pretty sarcastic, but I don’t really consider that having as much to do with being funny as being an asshole. 

My point is I wasn’t always funny. I had to work at it. There are a lot of theories on why some people become funny and some people don’t: childhood trauma, a need to fit in, or compensation for some shortcoming. I don’t really care what my reasons are. All I know was at one time I was a kid who wasn’t particularly funny.

I am sure that I was amusing. Babies and young children often are. But that style of humor is based more on goofy antics, pratfalls and outrageous behavior (people are laughing at you, not with you). But that gets old. If you try to be funny like that forever, you just end up being Robin Williams. And let’s face it, he’s really not that funny, he just moves too fast for most people to notice.

No, real humor is cultivated. I’m not saying that it is learned in the same sense as a skilled trade. It is more organic, like an art form. When someone learns to play a musical instrument, there is no straight line to being considered talented, nor is there any guarantee that it will ever happen.

The reason I think most people never really think about this is because a sense of humor is a facet of someone’s personality. It’s a part of one’s normal development. But not all of us develop it.

We all know funny people, and we all know unfunny people. We also all know the worst kind of person, the kind that thinks he is funny but isn’t. These people are insufferable, especially to the truly funny. They will try anything for a laugh, and unfortunately they occasionally succeed, which only encourages them. What the last two kinds of people don’t realize is also one of the hardest things about being funny. That thing is: funny people don’t say everything (or the first thing) that pops into their head. There is a process where the thought is composed, evaluated and either said or discarded. And this has to happen fast. The key is in knowing what to discard. Like a good musician who knows exactly what notes to play, it’s not what you say that makes you funny as much as what you don’t say.

Alright, I know that pretty much none of what you have just read is funny. And I am sorry.

The reason I typed all that is because the rest of this rant is going to make me come off as a comedy snob. And I am. I am an extreme snob when it comes to comedy. However, like someone who has studied art, wine, architecture, or any other subjective pursuit, I feel that I am more qualified than most people to decide what is funny. Sorry, but that is just the way it is.

So, get ready to accept my opinions. And here is one:

Larry the Cable Guy is a lazy, evil, lazy comedian.

We all know that Larry is a fraud, and that will be dealt with further on, but for now let’s take his act at face value. Larry is from a long tradition of getting up on stage and making fun of who they are (or stereotypically are).

Some other types of comics that attempt the same shitty comedy:

• Women who bitch about PMS, their ex, and clothes. Molly Shannon lampoons this style perfectly with her Jeannie Darcy character. So perfectly that some people don’t get the joke. Jeannie Darcy , to illustrate this, here is a clip from Jenny Jones’ stand up past: Jenny Jones Stand Up
• Fat people whose whole act is based on the fact that they are fat. I get it, you are fat. I’m looking at you Louie Anderson. If it wouldn’t be funny for me to talk about being fat for 30 minutes, why is it funny for a fat guy?
• Black comics that play up the fact that growing up in the ghetto is crazy, and make observations that black people are like this and white people are like that. (there is now a disturbing number of other ethnicities jumping on this bandwagon)

Now, I am not saying all female, fat or ethnic comics do this and/or are shitty. Eddie Murphy’s riffs on growing up poor were some the funniest shit I ever heard. Damon and Marlon Wayans even both had some good shit. I don’t even have to mention the greats, so I won’t.

I think my point is, most gender/race/orientation/special needs comedy can appear funny because it can be shocking to hear. But writing something that is shocking isn’t the same as writing something that is good (for a good example of a writer that has distracted people from his shittyness with ‘shocking content’, I refer you to Chuck Palahniuk).

And are we really all that shocked that white people and black people talk differently, that ex-husbands/wives are jerks, and that fat people have a hard time getting around? Unless you are making a truly interesting observation, it is just lazy writing. As a comedy snob, the easy laugh is like eating Hamburger Helper, which is somehow worse than not eating at all.

Of course, the defense that fans of this shitty comedy will use is that I just don’t get it, because I can’t relate. I don’t know what it’s like to be a woman, or a minority, or fat (although I have been chubby).

Which is why I am going to skewer Larry. I am white, male, and I got plenty of white trash in my background. So here goes.

What the fuck is funny about simply being white trash? Is it funny to drive a truck? Is it funny to cut the sleeves off your shirt? Is it funny to be illiterate? Is it funny to be an ignoramus? Is it funny to have a mullet or a mustache?

The answer to all those questions is no, although it is funny to see a mullet.

Dave Attell is a hilarious comic. He makes observations, sets up jokes, and often throws an ironic twist in at the end. What he doesn’t do is say “I am bald, and girls don’t fuck bald guys, and I don’t get fucked, because I am bald”.

Larry’s whole shtick is that it is funny enough to just be white trash, and if he can get a real joke in there, well that is a bonus.

Watch this clip (I am warning you, it isn’t funny)

Larry Not Being Funny

There is almost the beginning of what could be a decent bit there. There was some potential in the premise of a guy claiming to need to win the lottery instead of wanting to win the lottery, but he immediately abandons it to do a boob and beer joke. Why did he do that? Because he’s lazy, and it’s easier to get a boob joke laugh with a white trash accent than it is to take the audience on a higher concept trip.

Fuck this guy.

Another example of laziness: “Get R Done”

A true sign of laziness is a catch phrase. Basically, he has found a way to tell the exact same joke over and over again. And the whole basis behind that joke is that he is ignorant.

Now about the redneck thing being an act. I can understand that it is a character, and comedians do characters. There have been some pretty great ones. But to make it the cornerstone of your act, that just sucks. Even Bobcat Goldthwait gave up the screechy voice thing.

If you need proof that it is an act, then behold:

Early Larry

Now, he is sporting a pretty sweet curly mullet, but he isn’t nearly as trashy as he is now. And it does kind of stick in my craw. Watching a retard make jokes about being retarded probably wouldn’t be that funny (at least not after the first few minutes), but watching a person pretend to be retarded and making the same jokes is just downright wrong.

Now, I have heard from multiple sources that Larry is actually a really nice and sweet guy. And he should be, he has made a lot of money by not being funny. The thing is, I know a lot of nice people who aren’t funny. They don’t all deserve standup careers. I have also heard he is one of the hardest working comics out there. I don’t want to hear the hardest working violin player in the world, I want to hear someone who is talented.

There are a lot of clever comics out there. Dave Attell, Dave Cross, Patton Oswalt, Louis Black, Louis C.K. (who’s half Mexican, but doesn’t play it up), Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, Maria Bamford, Laura Kightlinger, Andy Kindler are but a few that I could name off the top of my head.

But we live in a country that adores Wal-Mart, Olive Garden, Young Country and Danielle Steele. So I guess it shouldn’t be too surprising that Larry the Cable Guy is the top grossing comic out there. So, if you find yourself laughing at Larry, please ask yourself why?

Oh yeah, and two other shitty, lazy comics are Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia.

 

 

Do you think that they could have a scene with the latina broad that doesn't involve her crying and making a fucking seen?

Also, what's up with all the damn reading. I get it, there are asian and latino characters, and in they speak their own languages. But since I am willing to suspend belief enough to accept that there are super heroes, you could do me the courtesy of making it a little easier on me.

Sure, if I am watching a film I am fine with subtitles, but that is because I am usually giving my undivided attention to it. Believe it or not Heroes producers, but people multitask when watching TV. It is annoying when I have to stop what I am doing to read mundane dialog.

So, last weekend Chris and I were up in the thumb at my sis''''''''s new cottage. Saturday we spent some time exploring, and we found a pretty cool antique store in the charming hamlet of Port Hope. This wasn''''''''t one of those huge antique stores full of musty crap from some dead person''''''''s estate sale, but instead it was full of toys and memorabilia and the like. There was a rack full of old 50''''''''s era outboard motors, train parts, a banjo and a huge wooden mallet.

As we were checking out we saw a sweet 50''''''''s era Hamilton Beach Soda Shop 3 motor malt mixer. It was awesome looking in all its mint green porcelain splendor. We talked to the cool old dude that ran the store, and he informed us that it was in good working order, and offered to come down a little on the somewhat steep price.

Chris and I decided that we could probably live without it, and we had better uses for the money. As we were driving out of town we kept talking about how cool t would be to have the mixer. We could be the couple that has ''''''''that sweet mixer'''''''' and at parties we could specialize in a wide variety of boozy ice cream drinks.

After a few minutes Chris looked at me and asked if I really wanted to get it, and I replied that all I was waiting for was her to tell me to turn the car around. So we turned around, made a quick stop at an ATM and returned to the store. A few cool minutes later with the proprietor and we were the proud new owners of a sweet stand mixer.

We returned to the cottage with a couple quarts of ice cream and huge smiles and proceeded to make a couple kick ass shakes.







Side Note: The night before, Chris fell down the stairs that lead to the beach, and was sporting some sweet bruises and facial scrapes. I enjoyed a day of shopping/exploring, all while garnering the sideways disapproving stairs of a wife beater.