Beer Pong

Beer-Pong is an extension of the many struggles that have plagued man since the dawn of time. Man against Man. Man against Nature. Man against Animal (mainly when the ball goes out of play and into the laundry room that is home to the two cat litter boxes).

Where to play:

Beer Pong can be played in practically any place that contains the following: a ping-pong table, ping-pong equipment, and beer. It can be played impractically in any place that contains beer. Ideally you should be in a basement, and not a particularly fancy one. If for some reason you are lacking a table or the other proper equipment, you can improvise. Beer is essential. Without beer you are bastardizing the game and should be sent into the woods to be torn apart by all manner of beast.

How to set up the table:

The table setup depends on the number of players. Each player should begin with a full beer. The beer containers should be of relatively equal size. If a player is particularly weak, that player may be handicapped with a smaller glass, as long as he is party to a steady stream of harsh pejoratives from the other players. If there is a single player on a side, that player's beer should be placed along the center line of the table exactly one paddle length from the edge. If there are two players on a side, each player places a beer one paddle length from each edge.

Do you need an opponent to play Beer-Pong:

Not necessarily

The objectives:

There are many possible objectives in Beer-Pong. Some of the major ones include: to hit an opponent's beer, to get your opponent to hit your beer, to get drunk, to stay drunk.

The rules:

The ball is always in play. If the ball hits the floor, ceiling, wall or even leaves the room it can still be, and should be, hit back in the direction of the table. It can be permittable to pick up the ball and serve normally, but that can ruin some of the fun.

When a beer container is hit by the ball, the owner of the beer must take a drink. If the ball actually lands in the container, the owner must drink the entire remainder of the beer. Play can either be suspended so the player can refill, or that player can be swapped out for another player from the sidelines. Before the commencement of the game, in a two player per side situation, it should be decided whether both teammates drink when one's beer is struck. This is the optimum way to play. You do not have to wait for your beer to be hit to take a drink!

As with any game, there are variations. One should always respect the house rules, unless they are totally absurd, in which case you should resort to contempt and ridicule.

In a pinch, other alcoholic beverages can be substituted for beer (wine coolers or spritzers to not constitute 'other alcoholic beverages'). Remember, drinking is the key to the game. You should not play with, nor should you trust, someone who doesn't drink.

Scoring:

Like all other pursuits that involve or revolve around alcohol, when the opportunity to score arises, you should take it. Depending on who else is playing/officiating/spectating, you may want to leave the room to score. Then again, you may not. You do have access to a large flat surface.

Finishing the game:

How will you know when the game is over? When you are done. How do you tell who the winner is? Everyone is a winner in Beer-Pong (except spouses, pets, co-workers and some houseplants).

Cleanup:

Cleanup should be avoided whenever possible.

You are now ready to play Beer-Pong. Remember, the more people that become interested in Beer-Pong, the better the chances it will some day become an Olympic Sport.